Bad Dream

I had an incredibly vivid nightmare last night. I don't even know why I remember it, because most nights I can't remember my dreams-- or even if I dreamed any. It is so disturbing, and the conflict is so real in my life, that I can't even bare to share it. This has always been one of my weaknesses; that I am pessimistic, and focus always on the negatives. Maybe that is why that dream seemed so realistic, because I subconsciously allowed it. Anyway, spring break is right around the bend, so I guess I'll just press onward, &as I LAUGH at all the drunk and hung over students today,I'll try to be a little more optimistic, to focus on the good things in life!

Adult or No?

This, my friends, is the event. I argued with my parents through e-mail correspondence tonight. They seem to think I am still a kid, and find it bitterly ironic that I want to be treated like an adult. In my case, I am on loans that they co-signed for school, but I will be the one paying back that $10,000, and every loan to follow. I borrow their old cars, always paying my own insurance. I pay my own bills-- telephone, credit cards, fees for participation in events. If I want to go out, it is all my own money, even in the case of travel, i.e. my trip to Georgia, or the loan that might take me to study in France in the future. And when I am home, I help out, cook, clean, spend hours with my brothers, and still try to abide by their strict curfews (sometimes as early as 10:30pm.) The curfew aspect is especially fun since I usually wait until after my brothers go to sleep to go out. (8pm-10:30pm being my evening outing time.) I feel like an adult. After all for my 18th birthday, with my college opp classes, I received 3 final exams, two bills due, and two important extra-curricular meetings all in the same day. Has anyone else had difficulty with the transition? Are you a kid or an adult in your parents eyes? And how does it make you feel?Me, I feel belittled... in the worst way.

Into quizzes? This one is a little different...

"Just three questions and the answers will surprise you."Do not look ahead, it will bias your answers. Read slowly & do each exercise as you read it. Get pencil and paper and write your answers as you go. You will need these at the end. 1. Put the following five animals in the order of your preference. Write down the animal names, not the letter.a. Cowb. Tigerc. Sheepd. Horsee. Pig2. Write one word that describes each of the following:DogCatRatCoffeeSea3. Think of someone (who also knows you and is important to you) that you can relate to the following colors. (Name just one person for each color.)YellowOrangeRedWhiteGreen(Stop.)Interpretation:1. This will define the priorites in your life.Cow=CareerTiger=PrideSheep=LoveHorse=FamilyPig=Money2. Your description of ... implies ...Dog... your own personalityCat... partner's personalityRat... enemy's personalityCoffee ... how you interpret sexSea... your own life3:Yellow- someone you will never forgetOrange- someone you consider your true friendRed- someone that you really loveWhite- your twin soulGreen- someon eyou will remember for the rest of your lifeThat's it. It was in an e-mail, and the concept boggles my mind. Let me know if you felt like your results were accurate!!

An original poem, modeled after my favorite by Emily Dickinson...

This is my letter to the friend, That often wrote to me--My words of praise for all you've done,And what you've helped me see.You are my inspirationYou taught me all I know;That bravery and likes and love,Will help me where I go.You have been strong and valientI know you deep inside;Your heart is pure, your soul, gold,You're the one in whom I confide.You are the meaning of compassion,For that let me thank you--You will succeed in life and love,I have faith in you!Written by: Melissa F. KaelinJune 2002Dedicated to compassionate friends.

"You are the dream that saved my life..."

I looked up the song "Never Thought" on the internet and it's not as good as I remember it to be, but the one line remains consatantly in my mind, teasing me. Yeah, I talk like I'm still one of the "dateless losers" that Reel Big Fish so accurately described in their hit album, "Cheer Up!" The irony is that I'm not dateless, though it feels like it. I haven't seen my man since we so strangely decided to hook up. Yeah, you know the one, Chris. It's as I told Court, I always date the weird ones. But the guy has some profound thoughts, believe it or not. But who knows what the future will bring for us. Besides, my French friend whom I've never met, but have chatted with for some 7 years online... He says that at least in France, it's perfectly ok to date someone you've met only once or twice-- a whole three times in Chris & I's case. Understand, Aurelien is wise, being older than me, French, and having smoked many more joints.Seriously, though, I am going to adamantly join in on March 5, Books not bombs day, because I think France has a point, America is blind, and war is hell. But that's conservative Missy transforming into liberal.I'm excited about spring break, but is it realistic. My mom says she would feel bad for me not having had any responses from potential employers, only if I had applied to 25 to 50 places by now. 25-50. I guess she set my goal. 25-50. Whoa.And what of me $10,000 in debt, working, and this loan being my own? She decided she would decide what grades I would get in school, how many credit hours I would take, even as I work a job, and then if she was not satisfied, she would not co-sign. All I need her co-sign for is my lack of credit history. And news flash to mom: many people want me to go to college. I could find a co-sign. Because apparently she would first have me drop out of school, then not be straight Dean's List. True, I owe it to myself, and am perfectly capable of doing that well, with some effort. It bothers me that she still sets my curfews when I'm at home too. For any of you who feel old.. I will be 20 this year!! True, it's not until December, but that is two decades! And Mother still runs my life.But it's ok, and I will respect her wishes, because I love her, and she's really the best Mom anyone could ever have. I came to a startling realization after a frappochino and work tonight that I missed pages of LJ by not checking over the weekend. And still, I'm having trouble adding Antoine to my Friend's List! Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to catch up. My roomies probably loathe me because I'm still awake. The light is dim and only in my corner, but neither of them are sleeping very still-- and Steph just murmured something in her sleep. This may be an old school laptop by the way, but thank God it's keys are so relatively quiet!So back to the subject, I guess I am an idealist. I want a dream to save my life right now. Spring break will be a blast, though too short, and I could constantly type my mood as LISTLESS, just because I feel like something is definitely missing in my life.

"A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

I have this awesome professor, Kenneth Alrutz. He teaches my modern American lit class. What of it? Well, today in class he asked each of 60 students an important question. Then he listened to every answer, and related them to a story about returning home after college. The question... In what ways have you changed since you came to college??? On a sheet of paper write one way that you have changed for the better, and then one way you have changed for the worse. The hardest part of answering the question was limiting each side to one predominant change. Unfortunately my list of changes for the worse was way longer than for those for the better. But this is what I wrote... Positive: I know myself much better. I've discovered what I stand for, and I've embraced my true self. I've taken time out for me-- something I never did in high school, especially coming from a big family by today's standards. Negative: I get depressed more easily. I float around in many circles of friends and I don't know any one person extremely well, so I don't know who to turn to when I'm distressed. Other students listed procrastination, growing closer to or further from their families, keeping an open mind, learning to party, becoming less selfless, or too serious. In response to the guy who never talked to his mom, the prof said "Call your mother!" (Every week!) In response to my getting to know myself, he asked, "Do you like yourself?" I replied, "Yeah, we get along pretty well." I guess my problem is that after leaving a close knit circle of friends in high school, I feel as if the rest of the world has walked out. But the good news is that especially this semester, I have grown closer to many people-- many of you are reading this right now, & you have no idea how much that means to me! Of course, some of my optimism came out of a relationship with this guy, Chris --not Vincent! And who doesn't feel better after a feisty game of "You don't know Jack!" But strangely enough, it's the friendships I have that I am really thinking about at 4am on a Saturday! I love you guys! And I mean that.

So I'm Blue

You are blue. You are somewhat innocent, in the fact that your genius only extends to the physical world. You have a false sense of contentness. You are usually the quiet one, the genius. Everyone can count on you to help when they have problems, but you only fall short of being able to solve your own. What inner color are you? </P